Falling in love too easily… what’s with it lately? Known to many, I religiously watch that ‘bear-bating’ daytime television show, featuring Mr Jeremy Kyle and a host of Great Britain’s most troubled inhabitants. What can I say; at least I’ll be happily entertained if I’m ever unemployed/on maternity leave! I have noticed that so many of its guests seem to fall in ‘love’ after weeks, and seem to get married after months, and I have a feeling that it’s not particularly healthy, or particularly rare.
An example that’s closest to home is one of my boyfriend’s friends who is, probably to your surprise, a confident, good-looking, 21-year-old guy. I say that it may be a surprise because, usually, men of around that age are more interested in slipping their penises into as many orifices as possible, rather than confessing their undying love – to as many girls as possible. Particularly if you are a confident, good-looking bloke like my friend, who is not short of casual offers.
His problem is actually two-fold. He has sex with girls too soon – before he gets to know them. This is something that’s pretty common, and as long as it’s protected and considered ‘just sex’ then there’s generally nothing wrong with it. The difference is, when he has sex with them, he falls in ‘love’ too.
A few months ago he split up with a girl he was with for about 6-8months, who he said he loved, practically lived with, and ended up working with too. They split up because they kept arguing (around each other too much perhaps?), she moaned about him going surfing all of the time, and she generally wanted him to grow up – in my opinion she should have thought about that before getting into a ‘serious’ relationship with someone 8 years her junior. Recently, there has been another one in the picture. He met a girl, when we went on a night out, who lives a few of hundred miles away and then invited her and her friends to come stay with him a few weeks later. He ended up swapping the one he originally met for one of her friends, and has now been dating ‘the friend’ for about a month - some friend.
They have seen each other almost every weekend, whether he goes to see her or she comes to see him. In this month he has confirmed that he is in a relationship with her on a notorious social-networking sites (nothing’s official until it’s on Facebook), invited her to his cousins wedding, met her parents, she’s invited him to come to her little brother’s birthday party, he’s cancelled a boy’s holiday this summer to go away with her, he’s told her he loves her, and she’s planning on moving into our area. In total, I would say they’ve spent a little under two weeks in each other’s company, not including the hours they have probably spent on the phone to one another.
My favourite is this statement “She’s so cool. She doesn’t mind me going surfing at all.” Really? I’m sure she’d be bothered if he continued to go surfing every time travels all that way to come to see him. Of course, she’s just as bad for accepting and engaging with his infatuated behaviour, but that goes without saying.
My point is that how can you possibly know if you love someone after such a short amount of time? Surely you have to know a person a fair while before you can feel that way? My friend’s problem, and others like him, is that he mistakes the infatuation phase for ‘love’ and doesn’t consider all of the parts that he really won’t like in a few months time. This sounds pretty obvious, but why do so many people do it?
I blame fiction, especially films and novels. They all promote unrealistic romance. It is rare to find a fictional narrative that tells a love story that is realistic, particularly in terms of time. I recently watched ‘The Proposal’ starring Sandra Bullock, which I must say is worth a miss. He worked as her PA and hated her until they spent three days together and then, after a few ups and downs, he proposed. Or in The Little Mermaid when she trades her voice for legs because she’s in love with a man she’s seen from a distance. Or Princess Diaries 2, where she finds her husband and falls in love with him within 12 days or less. Or How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days; time span is self-explanatory. In my mind it ruins films and influences individuals to think irrationally about relationships. Not necessarily vulnerable individuals, I might add, since media has this way of shaping our perceptions of the world. Why can’t we have more films like When Harry Met Sally, where it takes them the best part of 10 years to fall in love? Looking at these examples, and then back at my friend, I do wonder whether it is these narratives that influence people, or whether it is people that inspire the narratives.
Either way, how can you love someone after a matter of days? I can’t understand how you can love someone after a matter of months! It takes years to truly get to know someone, and I don’t know how some people manage to marry after being together for 6 months or less.
Contrary to my own opinion, Huston studied the relation between length of courtship and successful marriage over 15 years and found that those who court for over 3 years before marrying are the fastest to divorce because they are being cautious about committing and find out that things don’t actually get better after marriage. I might add that this isn’t usually the case for individuals who are naturally independent freedom and fun-lovers – just those who are commitment-phobics due to past experiences. However, Huston also found that those who are the fast to commit and are most passionate at the beginning of a relationship are also likely to divorce, due to ‘honeymoon’ phase disillusionment – when you find out that your partner isn’t perfect and does, in fact, fart in bed but has been holding it in for the first few months.
You may say ‘what’s the matter with that?’ If they marry/seriously commit to a relationship quickly it’s their business and it doesn’t hurt anyone else. In some respects, that is true, and I guess it’s only their own emotions that they are going to screw up in the long run. But what about when they start planning/talking children after a matter of weeks/months, when they’re in this ‘honeymoon’ phase? When they stop having protected sex to let nature take its course? When it’s quite likely that neither person is familiar with the other’s financial or reliability background? Could you really trust someone you’ve known for a matter of months with bringing up your child?
Another issue, that I have personally been affected by, is forgetting your friends or family. This may sound fairly trivial, but obviously that depends how dear you hold your friends and family. What a lot of people don’t seem to think about, when rushing into a relationship, is what happens to your relationships with other people. When it comes down to it other relationships suffer; whom can you turn to when your romance ends in tears? Some friends and family may not be willing to welcome you back into their lives and may repay you with the same neglect you showed them.
To conclude, I think everyone would do best by themselves to get to know a person well enough to know if you love them IN SPITE of their flaws. What’s the rush?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200307/the-success-marriage
http://www.secretdivorce.com/successful-divorce-planning-for-men/64/
An example that’s closest to home is one of my boyfriend’s friends who is, probably to your surprise, a confident, good-looking, 21-year-old guy. I say that it may be a surprise because, usually, men of around that age are more interested in slipping their penises into as many orifices as possible, rather than confessing their undying love – to as many girls as possible. Particularly if you are a confident, good-looking bloke like my friend, who is not short of casual offers.
His problem is actually two-fold. He has sex with girls too soon – before he gets to know them. This is something that’s pretty common, and as long as it’s protected and considered ‘just sex’ then there’s generally nothing wrong with it. The difference is, when he has sex with them, he falls in ‘love’ too.
A few months ago he split up with a girl he was with for about 6-8months, who he said he loved, practically lived with, and ended up working with too. They split up because they kept arguing (around each other too much perhaps?), she moaned about him going surfing all of the time, and she generally wanted him to grow up – in my opinion she should have thought about that before getting into a ‘serious’ relationship with someone 8 years her junior. Recently, there has been another one in the picture. He met a girl, when we went on a night out, who lives a few of hundred miles away and then invited her and her friends to come stay with him a few weeks later. He ended up swapping the one he originally met for one of her friends, and has now been dating ‘the friend’ for about a month - some friend.
They have seen each other almost every weekend, whether he goes to see her or she comes to see him. In this month he has confirmed that he is in a relationship with her on a notorious social-networking sites (nothing’s official until it’s on Facebook), invited her to his cousins wedding, met her parents, she’s invited him to come to her little brother’s birthday party, he’s cancelled a boy’s holiday this summer to go away with her, he’s told her he loves her, and she’s planning on moving into our area. In total, I would say they’ve spent a little under two weeks in each other’s company, not including the hours they have probably spent on the phone to one another.
My favourite is this statement “She’s so cool. She doesn’t mind me going surfing at all.” Really? I’m sure she’d be bothered if he continued to go surfing every time travels all that way to come to see him. Of course, she’s just as bad for accepting and engaging with his infatuated behaviour, but that goes without saying.
My point is that how can you possibly know if you love someone after such a short amount of time? Surely you have to know a person a fair while before you can feel that way? My friend’s problem, and others like him, is that he mistakes the infatuation phase for ‘love’ and doesn’t consider all of the parts that he really won’t like in a few months time. This sounds pretty obvious, but why do so many people do it?
I blame fiction, especially films and novels. They all promote unrealistic romance. It is rare to find a fictional narrative that tells a love story that is realistic, particularly in terms of time. I recently watched ‘The Proposal’ starring Sandra Bullock, which I must say is worth a miss. He worked as her PA and hated her until they spent three days together and then, after a few ups and downs, he proposed. Or in The Little Mermaid when she trades her voice for legs because she’s in love with a man she’s seen from a distance. Or Princess Diaries 2, where she finds her husband and falls in love with him within 12 days or less. Or How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days; time span is self-explanatory. In my mind it ruins films and influences individuals to think irrationally about relationships. Not necessarily vulnerable individuals, I might add, since media has this way of shaping our perceptions of the world. Why can’t we have more films like When Harry Met Sally, where it takes them the best part of 10 years to fall in love? Looking at these examples, and then back at my friend, I do wonder whether it is these narratives that influence people, or whether it is people that inspire the narratives.
Either way, how can you love someone after a matter of days? I can’t understand how you can love someone after a matter of months! It takes years to truly get to know someone, and I don’t know how some people manage to marry after being together for 6 months or less.
Contrary to my own opinion, Huston studied the relation between length of courtship and successful marriage over 15 years and found that those who court for over 3 years before marrying are the fastest to divorce because they are being cautious about committing and find out that things don’t actually get better after marriage. I might add that this isn’t usually the case for individuals who are naturally independent freedom and fun-lovers – just those who are commitment-phobics due to past experiences. However, Huston also found that those who are the fast to commit and are most passionate at the beginning of a relationship are also likely to divorce, due to ‘honeymoon’ phase disillusionment – when you find out that your partner isn’t perfect and does, in fact, fart in bed but has been holding it in for the first few months.
You may say ‘what’s the matter with that?’ If they marry/seriously commit to a relationship quickly it’s their business and it doesn’t hurt anyone else. In some respects, that is true, and I guess it’s only their own emotions that they are going to screw up in the long run. But what about when they start planning/talking children after a matter of weeks/months, when they’re in this ‘honeymoon’ phase? When they stop having protected sex to let nature take its course? When it’s quite likely that neither person is familiar with the other’s financial or reliability background? Could you really trust someone you’ve known for a matter of months with bringing up your child?
Another issue, that I have personally been affected by, is forgetting your friends or family. This may sound fairly trivial, but obviously that depends how dear you hold your friends and family. What a lot of people don’t seem to think about, when rushing into a relationship, is what happens to your relationships with other people. When it comes down to it other relationships suffer; whom can you turn to when your romance ends in tears? Some friends and family may not be willing to welcome you back into their lives and may repay you with the same neglect you showed them.
To conclude, I think everyone would do best by themselves to get to know a person well enough to know if you love them IN SPITE of their flaws. What’s the rush?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200307/the-success-marriage
http://www.secretdivorce.com/successful-divorce-planning-for-men/64/
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you on this one. I have met tons of people who say:"I love you.", after the second date and for me it's alarming. I don't know if I'm too old-fashioned or what but I think it takes longer than that (I'm talking months and months, not weeks). I guess that majority of young people is just too passionate and unexperinced for waiting that long. However, confusing love with the infatuation phase can sometimes happen to everyone.
Anyway, great article! I'm glad that I'm not the only one who think like that ;)